Adopting an older child demands an
extra level of understanding, preparation and proactive
parenting from adoptive moms and dads. It takes open arms and
open eyes to make an older child placement work, and a family
that is ready to meet the varying needs of a child who may be
lacking skills in relationship building and academic learning.
Start at the Very
Beginning
Missed emotional and physical developmental milestones need a
‘re-do’ before a child can truly move forward with assurance.
Helping an older child adoptee develop a secure attachment to
new parents is crucial to a child’s success within the family,
with new friends and at school. Older children may resist
‘babying’ but parents can get creative about parent-child play
and time spent in family-only activities. Parents may wish to
consider home-schooling initially, in order to help the child
prioritize relationships, close learning gaps and transition to
the new environment.
Discover the Strengths and
Fill in the Holes
Older international adoptees have been touched by loss and
trauma, yet these children survive and go on to bravely embrace
new family. Older children have gifts to be discovered under
their learned defense mechanisms, but parents need to be
detectives to determine the cause of challenging gaps or the
underlying basis of behaviors. Is the child displaying behavior
that was appropriate within his old life at the orphanage? Are
triggers occurring that remind the child of past hurt or injury?
Does the child simply not yet know the social expectations
inherent in some situations? Watchful parents can help a new
older child adoptee celebrate his or her physical, mental and
emotional strengths while supplying parent and professional help
for the institutional ‘holes’.
Seek Support
Older child adoptees arrive with a variety of life experiences,
issues and personalities. Group support, either online or
in-person, can be a terrific source of parental information
sharing, problem solving, empathy and humor. Other adoptive
parents understand both the joys and the difficulties of
building family with an older adoptee, and can provide tried and
true information and resources.
Moms and dads who are considering an
older child adoption need to realize the extra parenting
involved, but also need to be aware of the satisfaction and joy
that steadfast older adoptee parenting can bring. Cindy
Champnella, author of “The Waiting Child”, beautifully summed up
the experience of adopting her daughter, Jaclyn, at age 4 from
China for “Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building
Connections”:
“But can you do it? If you
understand parenting as a marathon, not a sprint, if you aren’t
too proud to ask for help, if you’re open to the unexpected, if
you have a strong support system, if you’re prepared to commit
for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, this may be
for you. But it’s also for you if you want to hear the word
“WOW!” shouted in exuberance over the ordinary things in your
life, if you want to see the world through the lens of wonder,
if you want to try to hang onto the hand of a child who runs
joyfully into new life, if you want to hear a heart-felt
“thank-you” over something you formerly took for granted, if you
want to fall in love in a way that you never saw coming or see a
smile that rivals the beauty of even the most magnificent
sunset. Just remember to hang onto your hat…it’s a wild ride!”
Resources
Listservs:
Adopt Older Kids
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/A_O_K/
Toddler Adoption China
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Toddler-Adoption-China/
Families with Older Internationally
Adopted Children
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/FamiliesOlderIntlAdoptedChildren/
Books:
“Our Own: Adopting and Parenting the
Older Child” by Trish Maskew
“Parenting Your Adopted Older Child:
How to Overcome the Unique Challenges and Raise a Happy and
Healthy Child” by Brenda McCreight, Ph.D.
“Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's
Craft” by Mary Hopkins Best, Ed.D.
“Nurturing Adoptions: Creating
Resilience after Neglect and Trauma” by Deborah D. Gray
“Helping Children Cope with
Separation and Loss” by Claudia L. Jewett-Jarratt
“Adoption Parenting: Creating a
Toolbox, Building Connections” edited by Jean MacLeod & Sheena
Macrae, Ph.D.
Copyright 2008, MacLeod, All Rights Reserved
Jean MacLeod is author of At Home in This World: a China
Adoption Story, and co-editor of Adoption Parenting:
Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections and mother of three
daughters, two of whom were adopted from China through
Children’s Hope. From one adoptive parent to another, Jean
shares her wisdom here in the monthly e-news and in the
quarterly Children’s Hope Newsletter.
2007 Children's Hope International.
All rights reserved.